#54 归妹Marriage – Build Long Term Partnership
归妹 雷泽归妹 震上兑下
This hexagram has the Thunder trigram on top of the Lake trigram. Thunder (& rains) on top of the lake, is the season of mid-spring and is good for the growth of the trees and flowers. This hexagram represents the Marriage of the young maiden. The first letter 归, meaning return also means a lady finding their eventual home in marriage. The second word 妹 means younger sister. Thunder trigram represents the eldest brother and Lake trigram represents the youngest daughter. It represents the Eldest Brother giving his youngest sister in marriage. In China’s history then, there was indeed the true story of the Shang King 帝乙 giving his younger sister to the Zhou Lord in marriage to improve their relationship.
Description:
- 征凶，无攸利: Initiating (one-sided*1) action will bring disaster. There is nothing beneficial to do.
Textual Commentary:
彖曰：归妹，天地之大义也。天地不交，而万物不兴，归妹人之终始也 说以动，所归妹也 征凶，位不当也。 无攸利，柔乘刚也。
Marriage is the will of Heaven and Earth. If Heaven and Earth do not interact then all the things would not multiply in abundance. Marriage is the unending continuation of human lives(one translation is marriage is the ending of one phase of life, single-hood, and the starting of another). Growth and multiplying with joy are the purposes of marriage. Initiating actions brings disaster due to incorrect positioning. Nothing is beneficial due to the weak controlling the strong.
one-sided*1: in view of the fact this hexagram is talking about the marriage of 2 parties, these two words are added to clarify.
We could also add that trying to go outside of the relationship of marriage spells danger.
Pictorial Commentary: 象曰：泽上有雷，归妹；君子以永终知敝。
There is Thunder on top of the Lake represents Marriage. The wise man in the light of pursuing things of lasting and eternal value knows the things that are worthless or those that destroy long-term values.
Moral Teachings:
- Marriage is a good thing ordained by God (Heaven and Earth).
- Marriage is needed for reproduction and the continuation of human lives.
- Marriage is for joyful activities together for the long term. It is meant to multiply.
- However, there are things that may disrupt this joyful relationship.
- One is initiating actions without consulting the others and arriving at an agreed approach.
- The other is crossing boundaries, or wrong positioning, doing things that are beyond one’s authority or area of responsibility. Many problems and misunderstandings are caused by people trying to help! They mess things up instead.
- Not submitting – the weak overriding the strong. There should be proper submission to a higher authority.
Special Note:
In the following interpretations of the stage lines, we need to understand the marriage customs of the ancient Chinese at the time of the Shang and Zhou Dynasties. Those were the times of male polygamy. Furthermore, when a lady is given in marriage, she may bring her younger sister(s) or cousins along as well into the marriage as a concubine(s). But read the following not from the viewpoint of today’s moral standard and condemn them but as the purposes of doing so assuming the practice then are OK.
Stage 1 Begin Nine: Marrying as a concubine. The lame is able to walk. Taking action brings good fortune. 初九：归妹以娣，跛能履，征吉。
The pictorial commentary explains that accompanying the elder sister in marriage to be a concubine is for the purpose of having a lasting marriage. Lame is able to walk bringing good fortune because there is support given. 象曰：归妹以娣，以恒也。 跛能履吉，相承也。
To ensure the marriage is successful, additional resources are committed. In this ancient case, the younger sister accompanied her elder sister to marry the same husband. The pictorial commentary explains that the extra help will be able to make a difficult situation (lame) OK – still can walk and accomplish the purpose. Going all alone to a new world without help is not wise. Additional people and resources will make the undertaking safer and there is a greater chance of success.
In a typical Merger & Acquisition, the acquiring company tends to strip the purchased company of its resources quickly or place the acquired below their own less talented people. Such acts create problems. Successful acquiring companies like Cisco (Networks), practice retaining talents first before business. They have a whole set of methodologies to do them. Learn from them.
Stage 2 Second Nine: Lost one eye and yet able to see. It is beneficial to quietly follow righteousness and purity in solitary. 九二：眇能视，利幽人之贞。
The pictorial commentary explains the benefits of purity of people in solitary because the normal manners and mores have not changed. 象曰：利幽人之贞，未变常也。
Something went wrong in the marriage. There are supposed to be two people but one has gone. Maybe the husband has passed away and the wife becomes a widow. Maybe the husband left for another woman and she is now all alone. Nevertheless, she did not let the loss affect her work. She continues to stay loyal and do all her duty. This is a key lesson for every kind of partnership. Most relationships are based on a contract, a 50-50 relationship; you do your part and I do my part. If you don’t do your part then I won’t do my part. It seems fair but the whole venture is on shaky ground. Once one side perceives, which may be incorrect due to misunderstanding, that the other side is not doing his part, then he will stop doing his part too. All this does is bring the venture to a halt and collapse eventually.
The key to success in any relationship is a covenant – a 100%-100% relationship. I will do my part to the utmost regardless of whether you do your part or not. Your negligence is no excuse for my not doing my part. God is like that to us. God remains faithful even when we are faithless because God cannot deny Himself 2Ti 2:13. Don’t let others’ behavior stop you from being the best of yourself.
Stage 3 Third Six: Waiting for the right time to get married. But get married off earlier as a concubine. 六三：归妹以须，反归以娣。
The pictorial commentary explains the need to wait because the position is not right yet. 象曰：归妹以须，未当也。
Stage 1 tells us that we need to commit extra resources to ensure a successful marriage. Stage 2 tells us to be ready to give ourselves full irrespectively of the other party’s behavior. If we are not prepared to do them, then it is not time for us to get married. We need to prepare for marriage, or more accurately, for the married life that will last till death. We need to be able to be independent first because we can have meaningful interdependence. When we are not ready and get married, believing in the erroneous thinking that all problems will be solved after marriage, we will end up in a bad marriage and suffer the co-dependency problem. We keep on insisting that the other party do his or her part while we are unable to do our part. Marriage is not an impulsive moment of attraction. Not willing to wait and to prepare ourselves, we marry off too quickly and get the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th best marriage with all the problems. Get ourselves ready and wait to attract the 1st choice.
Stage 4 Forth Nine: Marriage is delayed. Late marriage has its own timing. 九四：归妹愆期，迟归有时。
The pictorial commentary explains the decision to delay the marriage is to wait for the right time to carry it out. 象曰：愆期之志，有待而行也。
It is better to delay the marriage and wait for the right person or the right time rather than marry the wrong person or at the wrong time. The world of consumerism and advertisements pressures us to act impulsively. Don’t wait or you will miss the opportunity of your life. We must wise up to know that if we are not ready, there is really no good opportunity. Marrying off too early without the maturity or financial resources may end in quarrels and divorce. The same thing happens in Mergers & Acquisitions (M&A). If we can’t find the right partner, we need to just wait and continue our search. Keep our investment to acquire the right party later.
Stage 5 Fifth Six: King Yi gave his younger sister in marriage. The clothes of the princess are not as beautiful as the clothes of the accompanied concubines. The moon is almost full. There is good fortune. 六五：帝乙归妹，其君之袂，不如其娣之袂良，月几望，吉。
The pictorial commentary explains that the princess need not rely on beautiful clothes because her position is right and central. It is more important to have good conduct than external dressings. 象曰：帝乙归妹，不如其娣之袂良也。 其位在中，以贵行也。
We have a glorious and successful marriage here. The wife, in charge of all the internal affairs including the concubines and the maids, values good conduct more than the external clothing. She reflected on her confidence and show her values. We also noted that it is a princess marrying someone lower than her in social standing and hence she dressed appropriately to not overshadow her husband. She is like the moon that hides part of her glory in respect of her husband. When marrying a person of lower social standing, one must take extra care, out of love and respect, not to outshine the family and relatives of one’s spouse. This is no time for showing off you are better than the other where the other is actually your spouse and your in-laws. Such a self-centered show-off will only bring problems later like the next stage line.
I am reminded of similar teaching in the Bible: 1 Pet 3:3-4
Whose(wives) adorning let it not be that outward adorning of braiding the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
Stage 6 Top Six: The lady basket is empty. The man slicing the sheep brings no blood. There is nothing of benefits that can come out. 上六：女承筐无实，士刲羊无血，无攸利。
The pictorial commentary explains that the Top-Line --Six has no real solid stuff and hence the basket is empty. 象曰：上六无实，承虚筐也。
This stage line tells us that the marriage is empty and fruitless. On one bring anything of good solid stuff into it. We need to invest and give one strength, time, and resources into a marriage. If we contribute nothing to the marriage, the marriage will exist in form without substance. The basket is empty and the sheep is a dead sheep, to begin with hence there is no blood or life in it. Marriage needs investment else there are no fruits and productivity from it. Marriage is supported to be 1 + 1 = many. But there is no 1 and hence marriage is empty, 0+0=0.
Summary:
Marriage is good and for joy and growth in abundance. It is meant to last. However, there are actions that will destroy the relationship and productivity. Always seek agreement before taking action. Always do the things you are supposed to do and don’t cross-boundary without approval. The wife is to submit to her husband.
Wisdom from the Stage Lines:
- Marriage with extra resources given to ensure success.
- Married yet alone in solitary. Continue to give one’s very best irrespective of the negligence of the other spouse/partner.
- Marriage of lower choice. Do not hurry. Prepare oneself well and wait to marry the 1st choice.
- Marriage is delayed to make sure we get the right one at the right time.
- Marrying down. Character and conduct are more important than external dressings. Don’t outshine the other side. Give respect to the spouse.
- Empty Marriage. Invest time and resources to have a fruitful marriage or partnership.
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